“I have looked back to times of trial with a kind of longing, not to have them return, but to feel the strength of God as I have felt it then, to feel the power of faith, as I have felt it then, to hang upon God’s powerful arm as I hung upon it then, and to see God at work as I saw him then.”1
Charles Spurgeon
This beautiful word by Charles Spurgeon brings me back to a time when I built a prayer corner in the back of my closet. Days where I clutched my Bible, barely able to open it. Days where God felt silent, and I felt alone. But, somehow, in the midst of the whirlwind of hurt and pain I was experiencing, I knew my God was holding me as he taught me how to love again, and how to be loved again.
Oh, the pain of being hurt by the place Christ followers are supposed to call home. That was a pain I had never imagined feeling. A pain that as a young believer, I had dismissed in others. The church could never hurt someone who loves Jesus. The church could never treat someone that way. And then, after dismissing that very pain within myself for so long, I came to terms with the fact that this wound was real, these things really happened, and protecting the image of my church in my mind was only harming my heart.
It is confusing isn’t it? It was very confusing to me. And oh, friend, my heart is heavy for you as you read this, as I know you have likely experienced something of this nature.
“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”
Hebrews 10:24-25
I believe in the church. I believe in meeting with one another to encourage each other, and to stir each other up in our faith in Jesus. I need it, desperately. And the Lord knows that my fragile and easily discouraged heart needs a community of people that will lift me up when I no longer have the strength to do so. The Bible says this is a necessity to the Christian walk—a need for his people.
So, what do we do when this very place becomes the source of our pain and grief? When this place becomes the reason that many not only walk away from the building, but also from their God? How can those of us who have also experienced this pain be an example of how to cling even tighter to our Jesus, knowing that his heart mourns these wounds with us as well? My heart has been pondering this issue for many months, and as I sit to write these words to you, I still do not have the answers. I am still healing. I am still desiring to understand the “whys.” But I hope these brief words give you hope in one of the most unclear issues of our time.
The Building is Not Our God
God loves his church. He loves that his people meet and fellowship. But far too quickly, the church became God to me, I would accept the things being said without checking in the Scripture myself. Spending all hours of my week in the church building became “godly” and rest became “laziness.” But what was God asking me to do? His voice became muffled between the pastors and myself until I was facing manipulation and abuse, and for a brief moment it felt as though God was treating me that way.
My God is NOT my church building. My eyes were so easily fooled. The people pleaser in me lost sight of who my Jesus is. The church is a beautiful place, but the church is made up of people—people with real and human hearts that are flawed. Their voices, their actions, and their ways of doing things (though they may be rooted in good intention), are not always the same as God’s.
Separating God’s voice from the voice of the people in the church is the first step in healing, tricky as it is.
I began taking steps to meet Jesus for myself all over again by remembering who he is and what he cares about. My Jesus loves justice (Micah 6:8). My Jesus is faithful (1 Thessalonians 5:24). My Jesus is unchanging (Psalm 33:11). My Jesus is everything that my heart needs, and his actions towards me are always rooted in his deep love for me. Relearning this began to help me separate how I had been treated with how God treats me. It is simple, but difficult. The enemy would love for us to group the church’s behavior with Jesus. Don’t let him win.
The only thing our God requires of us is to love him and to love his people. Everything we do will flow out of that love. The pressure is off. I urge you to get to know the heart of your God again, to relearn the rhythm of his love—a love that is full of rest, hope, and truthfulness. Meditate on his character every day until your heart remembers how faithful he really is.
Guilt and Shame
“How could I have ever let that happen?” “Why didn’t I see this sooner?” “Why did I ever think God would be okay with that?” These are just a few of the questions I wrestled with. It would keep me up at night as I accused myself of failing in my faith for not seeing the truth of what I was dealing with sooner.
“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.”
James 1:5
Oh, how I lacked wisdom. Ask God for wisdom, my friend! You are a human being, created for a beautiful relationship with God himself. We are all walking on a journey of faith with Jesus. Being treated harshly by the people who claim to love God the most is very confusing and painful. But Jesus said this would happen (Matthew 7:15-20)! He said that things would be said and done that are not in his nature! It is our job to ask for wisdom to handle these situations. So, rather than blame everything on yourself, ask him for more wisdom. Ask for eyes to see God for who he really is. Ask to be a helpful servant in today’s church that will heal its brokenness.
It is wildly painful to walk through something like this, but these trials are equipping us to become part of the solution. To get to know Jesus deeply for ourselves, so we can show others who have been hurt who our Jesus really is.
Take the guilt you feel and throw it at the foot of the cross. This terrible circumstance has now become your superpower against the enemy’s accusations.
I am confident he will fill you with wisdom, not only to walk forward in your personal circumstance, but to help others who are lost and hurt.
Recognize the Church’s Humanity
I am a big mental health advocate. I do not stand for abuse under any title or establishment. And neither does our God.
How sad it is that people have experienced these things from people leading the flock! But do you know why? They are people—people who are broken and need prayer. They need to relearn who their God is, too. After I began to heal, I took a step back and began to view these perpetrators of pain as people who need Jesus just as much as I do. I began to pray for their eyes to be opened; for healing to happen in their own hearts.
I was angry, and there are some days that I am still very angry. But I ask God to meet me there with mercy and hope for a healing in their hearts that will redeem the years lost to manipulation and abuse. No, it does not excuse what has been done. But my heart is evil as well, and we all are desperately in need of our Savior. Jesus is our only hope. This does not mean that I will continue to put myself in a place where there is unhealthy and dangerous behavior; however, I will continue to allow my heart to be soft and move forward without bitterness over the pain of the past. I am learning how to forgive, even without an apology. Jesus was hurt by the church as well, and he forgave. God, give us the strength to live more like Jesus in the face of adversity. Give us the grace to learn to forgive.
Grieve What Has Been Lost
“Church hurt” inevitably causes lost friendships and relationships. Years of your life devoted to a certain place—gone. There are memories that you’d rather forget, and some memories that you wish could still be present. A place that once felt safe is no longer safe. These things must be grieved.
I wanted to rush past these emotions, to finally move on with my life. But it only harmed me more. I had to let myself heal, to relearn my Jesus, to spend quiet moments with him as I got to know myself again. I had to learn how to trust myself, how to trust God, and how to trust the people in my life again. These are not easy tasks.
As you wrestle with these difficult emotions, I urge you not to rush. I challenge you to sit with Jesus as you process and allow yourself to feel them all. Looking back on this time in my life, I remember clinging for my life onto God’s strong arm, just as Spurgeon said, and seeing him at work in my heart like I had never seen before.
Oh, how faithful he has been to me, as he is to you.
What Now?
Hope. Having hope is my answer now. This is not every church; this is not every pastor. Unfortunately, it is common to be hurt by the church, some more severely than others. But this is why Jesus came! Redemption is our God’s heart! There is hope for a church that fellowships and loves God and is kind and trustworthy and honest! There is hope for the people who have hurt you to completely change! There is hope for your wounded heart to be completely healed! There is hope!
I refuse to let what I walked through make me isolate myself from the people of God—or make me isolate myself from God himself. It looks different now. I have seen a lot more than I ever wished to see. But now, God can use us as weapons against the enemy’s attack on God’s people and God’s church. We can stand with those who have been hurt and show them our Jesus. We can be a part of the change that this world needs as God continues to sanctify our own hearts and draw us closer and closer to him.
My heart is simultaneously heavy and hopeful. I am learning to be okay with that. God is the same God he was yesterday, and he will meet us here.
As you ponder these words, meditate on the lyrics of this song:
You put no heavy weights on me
You say, “Come, rest and receive”
All of those years I was wounded by religion
You unwind me, you calm all my striving
You lay Your peace over me like blankets
You put an end to my pretending show
You are the least religious person that I know
You put no expectations on me
You say, “Son, I just want you free”
And all of those years I was wounded by religion
You unwind me, you calm all my striving
You lay Your peace over me like blankets
You put an end to my pretending show
You are the least religious person that I know
Meet your Maker, smiling bright
Meet your Savior, loves pure light
C’mon and taste the real thing
Feast on life, Jesus, lover, drink his wine
Meet your Maker, smiling bright
Meet your Savior, loves pure light
C’mon and taste the real thing
“Meet Your Maker”
John Mark Pantana
Footnotes
1 Charles Spurgeon cited in David Guzik, “James 1 – A Living Faith in Trials and Temptations,” Enduring Word, December 23, 2015. Accessed June 29, 2022. https://enduringword.com/bible-commentary/james-1/amp/.
Photo credit: Emilee Carpenter
Sophia is a recent graduate of Southeastern, a university where she received a degree in Ministerial Leadership. She runs an online ministry on Instagram called Spark Passion. She aspires to stay in ministry and expand her online ministry into writing Bible studies and books.
