When You Find God in Trials of Motherhood

I expected God to be with me in big ways in motherhood—I mean, he has been faithful to me my whole life. But in this season of life, he has also drawn near to me in unexpected ways.

Let me start at the beginning.

When my husband and I were on a babymoon in Vermont in March 2020, we never expected the changes COVID would bring. When we came home from that babymoon and went to our biweekly OB appointment, they said “For the safety of your baby you should stay home and wait to see how this mystery sickness plays itself out.” Each day anxious thoughts whirled in my mind as I watched our son kick my belly. We were two months away from meeting our son, and, having experienced three miscarriages, there was no way I was going to take the risk of losing him too. I couldn’t wait for him to be here safe in my arms. So, we did what the doctors advised and ordered groceries, wore masks, and saw people from a distance. Finally, in May 2020, when the world was still in lockdown, we welcomed our firstborn son, Huxley, into the world. 

Huxley was our light in the darkness. However, virtual church attendance, few mom friends, and no family visits were igniting my anxiety like never before. One morning I woke up and had a weird bump on my forehead, and after a few days of pain, I was diagnosed with shingles. The doctor asked over the phone, “Have you been anxious about anything lately?” and I could only laugh. I rushed to an emergency eye appointment to make sure my vision was fine and was told to keep the blisters covered otherwise I risked giving my 3-month-old chicken pox. At that moment I realized I’d been trying to hold my son’s life in my own hands all along. I prayed to the Lord to take away the fear and anxiety of being a first-time mom during a pandemic. It was as if the Lord lifted the burden that I’d placed on myself two years prior when we kept losing our babies via miscarriage. I wouldn’t have expected his comfort to manifest in a case of shingles. But the Lord used the shingles so that I’d come to him with prayers of healing and reliance. I realized in a new way that Huxley had been given to me as a gift from the Lord, and I’ll cherish this gift for as long as I can. 

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” 

Psalm 139:13-16

We found out we were pregnant with our daughter in December of 2022; we were over the moon. Yet, the 32-week ultrasound showed that Norah had a vein varix which meant that she would need close monitoring until she was delivered. The doctors were very reassuring, but with the constant ultrasounds and non-stress tests, it was hard not to worry. I was anxious about losing the extra one-on-one time with Huxley, worried that my mom wouldn’t be here in time to be with him while we were at the hospital, and most of all terrified that Norah wouldn’t be okay. 

But in the sleepless nights the Lord so graciously reminded me of those early months with Huxley. Norah too is a gift from him. Only he knows the number of days that she has, and with that I found respite from the anxiety. 

In August of 2023, we welcomed our second born, Norah, into the world. A healthy, perfect baby girl. 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understating. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths… It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.”

Proverbs 3:5-6, 8

In June 2023, I experienced my first panic attack. (Are you sensing a pattern yet?) Falling to the ground, I started experiencing shortness of breath and chest pain. I truly thought I was having a heart attack and kept saying “I can’t breathe” repeatedly as Huxley stood watching, fully aware of the situation. Without hesitation my husband called the ambulance, and I was taken to the ER for testing—my first ride in an ambulance. Afterwards, I spent the next few weeks answering Huxley’s many questions. I reassured him that I was okay, the paramedics took very good care of me, and the doctors ran all sorts of tests to confirm mommy was healthy. 

A few months later, in November, I took my second ride in an ambulance, only this time it was for Huxley. My husband and I had just watched him have a febrile seizure and I was doing all that I could to hold it together and be strong for him. After being released from the hospital I answered a new set of questions from Huxley, assuring him that the paramedics took good care of him and the doctors told Mommy and Daddy that he was healthy. When we were almost home, he looked at me and said “Momma, you took good care of me also.” A timely, precious gift from the Lord. 

When I was embarrassed about having a panic attack and taking an ambulance to the hospital, I never could have expected that the Lord would use that experience to build my strength for when I would ride in an ambulance with my son. 

“Therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

Matthew 6:34

God has shown up for me in the big moments—pandemic babies, vein varix, panic attacks about dying, and febrile seizures. Gratefully, God has used these big moments to remind me of his power in smaller, more mundane moments. Much of motherhood feels mundane, but God has shown up for me and answered prayers in unexpected ways.

In the last few years of giving birth, breastfeeding every three hours, hormone swings, night sweats, pumping, attempting to work a part-time job, and desperately wanting to be a good wife, all these things left me feeling like a shell of myself. There weren’t enough hours in the day. I didn’t know who I was outside of it all. I was anxious and overwhelmed, and I couldn’t admit that I needed help. I was unhappy and complacent and most days I let myself sit in the “meh.” It wasn’t until 6 months or so ago that I recognized I had been trying to do this all using my own strength. In the big moments it was easy to fall at the Lord’s feet and ask him to carry me through them, but in the everyday moments I desperately tried to do it by myself. I felt the Lord start to soften the hard edges and offer me grace yet again. 

Of course in life and in motherhood nothing is ever tied up in a pretty bow. So when the ties start to pull and fray and the anxieties inevitably start to creep back in, there are a few things that help bring me back to center. 

First and foremost, I draw near to the one who holds all things in his hands. In John 15:5 Jesus says,

“I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”

In motherhood I find myself praying earnestly for the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. You can’t have any without the Lord’s help. If you need a place to start there is an incredible podcast called The Daily Recap which recaps the Bible as part of a year-long reading plan. It’s been an easy way for me to jump into Scripture in seasons when I don’t know how or where to start. I also try to prioritize my prayer life. The Lord asks us to come to him in prayer. For instance, in Philippians 4:6 he says, “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” In seasons where I’m not intentionally starting my days in the Word, I will randomly start waking up an hour earlier than my alarm (wide awake I may add!), and I know that the Lord is silently nudging me to get up, pour a cup of coffee, and sit with him. My days are always significantly better when I spend even 30 minutes with him before the chaos of the day ensues. 

I also cannot emphasize enough how much having a strong community of believers has helped me. We weren’t created to live this life alone. Christ calls us to “bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). There has been great comfort in having other moms come alongside me because who also have been in the trenches of motherhood. They remind me that the Lord loves my kids more than I do and that I’m not alone. When I felt trapped at home with a newborn and toddler, I had a friend set up a weekly hang out which motivated me to get out of the house. When potty training led to an accident on a friend’s floor they rushed to help clean it up and brushed it off immediately. And when Huxley had his febrile seizure we had so many people checking in and praying for our family. Our community has been such a constant support to me in this season of motherhood. Though I am constantly finding my footing as a mom of two, I know there are others who will be there to help me lift the heavy burden of anxiety time and time again. 

He’s never left me, even in seasons when it was hard to hear his voice or understand his plan; he is always there. So, for now, I’m diligently working on giving each day to him and reminding myself of his faithfulness. 

I see him everywhere now, in ways that I didn’t before. In the light as it dances across our house throughout the day. In the slowing down to make a loaf of sourdough or a meal for my family. In the shouting of worship music with my children. In Huxley’s never-ending list of questions. In the vast differences that I can already see in my children. And on the hardest of days the Lord blesses me with small, yet mighty glimpses of heaven. In the peaceful moments when both kids are playing nicely together(!). When the wind is blowing our hair with one big gust followed by belly laughs and my son tells me “Momma, I love you so much.” 

Thank you, Lord, for meeting me in both big trials and mundane, unexpected places.

Photo Credit: Emilee Carpenter

Jacquie Gossage

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