“I love people and conversation, but my house is always a mess and I’m a terrible cook.”
“I just moved to a new city and I don’t know anyone. I don’t know how to reach out and start making new friends.”
“I’m so busy, my kids have too many activities, and all of my friends are in the same life stage as me: married with kids. I don’t know how to make friends with people in other life stages.”
If any of these struggles sound familiar, you’re not alone! The pressures of a busy life, perfectionism promoted by social media, and the desire to be the best host can make hospitality feel daunting. So how do we overcome these obstacles?
Over the past few years, I haven’t mastered hospitality, but I have a few tricks up my sleeve that I hope will help and encourage you as you seek to build community through hospitality.
See Ya, Instagram: Work with What You Have
I appreciate social media for many reasons, but the pressure it places on us to have everything “perfect” can be unreasonable and often makes hospitality feel unattainable. As you think about hospitality, drop the idea that you need to have a massive, Pinterest-worthy, designer home in order to be a good host (easier said than done, I know). Look around at the space God has blessed you with, and commit to stewarding what you have responsibly.
Since graduating college, my husband and I have lived in apartments that are one thousand square feet or less. That’s not a whole lot of space for a thirty-person gathering, but it’s the perfect space for having a few people (think ten or less) over for conversation, food, and fellowship. It’s sometimes a tight fit, but it’s always fun and worthwhile in the end.
As you think about the space you have, consider the following:
- How many people can I comfortably fit in my home?
- Do I have a seat (couch, chair, etc.) for each person?
- If I’m inviting a family with children over, do I have a space for them to play and toys or activities for them to enjoy?
Having a realistic idea of the capacity of your home will help you work with what you have—not what social media pressures you to have—and host responsibly. The last thing you want is guests sitting on the floor because there aren’t enough seats!
Start Small & Open the Door
Once you’ve let go of those unrealistic expectations (easier said than done, I know), the next step is to take action by starting small and opening your door.
When I think about hospitality, I often feel the temptation to “go big or go home.” If I can’t make it perfect, extravagant, and Instagram-worthy, why do it at all? To overcome this temptation to do it all extravagantly and perfectly, two things are key: start small and open the door.
First, recognize the limitations of your home. Having a small apartment requires me to keep the guest count at ten people or less. Even then, don’t have ten people over immediately—start with one or two, and gradually increase the number as your confidence grows and you learn what works best for you.
If you live near long-time friends or close relatives, invite them over! Not only will they appreciate the invite, but they’re likely going to be very gracious and sympathetic guests as your confidence in hosting grows. Looking back on my first year of marriage, some of my favorite, confidence-growing moments as a host were the evenings my husband’s friends came over to hang out and play video games. I learned to always have a few frozen pizzas in my freezer and extra snacks in my pantry. Over time, I realized they didn’t care about the looks of my apartment or if every space was perfectly dusted. They cared about having a place to come, hang out, and enjoy quality time together.
Since that first year of marriage, my confidence in hospitality has grown. I know how to make my space work, how many people to invite, and the foods I can quickly make and serve, whether in advance or at a moment’s notice. All of these things have boosted my confidence, lessened the temptation to be unnecessarily extravagant, and simply open my door.
Hospitality is a unique opportunity we have to pursue deeper relationships and fellowship with others, especially our brothers and sisters in Christ. If you’re connected to a local church, opening your home to singles, couples, and families is a great way to go beyond the church foyer conversations and learn about them. Scripture reminds us that the body of Christ consists of individual members, each of whom is equipped with different gifts, abilities, interests, stories, and experiences (1 Corinthians 12:12–31). Through these conversations, we’re able to speak truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), admonish and correct (Colossians 3:16), and propel one another toward godliness in life (Hebrews 10:23–25).
Open your door often and to as many different people as possible. Are you married? Open your home to your single friends and church members as often as you do to your married friends. Do you have a family? Invite other families, but invite single or married folks too! Hospitality doesn’t need to be extravagant—open your door, provide a simple meal, and focus on conversation and relationships. You and those you host will be blessed.
Pursue Faithfulness and Simplicity
As you dismiss social media’s pressures, work with what you have, start small, and simply open your door, hospitality will undoubtedly feel less daunting to you. I encourage you to pursue faithfulness and simplicity by setting small goals and having a set routine for the times you host.
If it helps you grow and boosts your confidence, consider setting small goals for hosting. For example, you could set a goal to host a dinner gathering in your home at least once a month with at least 2–3 new people, or offer to take a turn hosting your small group, book club, or girls’ night. Consistent, faithful hosting will help you grow as a host and deepen your relationships.
Another way to make consistent hosting easy is having a good, simple routine. This routine will likely change and develop over time (and that’s okay!), but having the following in place will make things so much easier:
- Food: Think of a simple meal or snacks that are easy to prepare, easy to clean up, and budget-friendly. I love making a crockpot of homemade chili and toppings, especially over the fall and winter months. Also, brainstorm quick meals and snacks you can have on-hand for last-minute gatherings.
- Cleaning: I typically clean my kitchen, living room, and dining area, but you could include your playroom or other spaces if needed! Make sure any seating areas are clean too.
- Activities: In addition to conversation, have some activities to do with your guests, both adults and kids. We have a pretty large stash of board and card games that we enjoy playing with guests!
When you pursue hospitality consistently and have a simple routine, it will undoubtedly get easier. As with anything in life, good things take practice to improve. The same goes for hospitality! Next time you feel overwhelmed by social media and life’s demands, take a step back, work with what you have, open your door, and embrace the opportunities hosting provides to build relationships with others. In the end, hospitality is not about a perfect meal or spotless home: it’s about opening our doors to build relationships with others. The application questions below will help you get started on a less daunting hospitality journey.
Application Questions
- What’s my go-to hosting routine for food, cleaning, and activities?
- How many people can my space comfortably fit?
- What activities could I prepare ahead of time to make guests feel welcome?
- Who in my life (church, work, neighborhood, community) could I start with?
- How often do I want to host?
Photo credit: Jaymi Sanders
Leah Jolly is a graduate of Wheaton College where she studied international relations and Spanish. She lives in the Grand Rapids area with her husband, Logan, and is pursuing her MDiv at Calvin Theological Seminary. She attends Harvest OPC in Wyoming, Michigan. You can connect with Leah on Instagram and Substack.
