I watched a frantic Lucille Ball grab chocolates from a conveyor belt that moved faster with each passing moment. The laugh track in the background grew louder as the camera panned from Ethyl to Lucille, each stuffing chocolates into their mouths, their hats, their pockets. I laughed, too, forgetting for a moment the wounds I’d been nursing all morning, lesions etched by a Christian friend.
There’s something about adult friendships that brings us back to our middle school cafeteria, scratching at the shirt collar out of style starting yesterday. We thought we grew immune to the pain of misunderstood words, hurtful comments, and being left out, yet they still sting. We share something personal that someone misunderstands, and our character is called into question. We catch a friend on an off day and they snap at us. Pictures of the girls’ trip or weekly golf game pop up on Instagram and we wonder why we’re stuck at home, alone.
Still, the value of Christian friendship is etched throughout Scripture, preached through stories and people, and even prayed for. In the upper room soon before his crucifixion, Jesus prayed that his followers would be one, just as Christ and his Father were one.1 As we peek into church doors and look around at our Christian friendships, we realize why he prayed this: we need the Holy Spirit to keep our friendships whole and healthy. And when godly friendships hurt, we can turn to Scripture to inform how we react.
Hearts Ruled by God’s Wisdom
Too often, our first instinct after the barbs pinch our skin is to respond—immediately. We run to another friend who might justify us in the conflict, defend ourselves, or lash out in resentment. We might give the silent treatment, cut friends off, or isolate ourselves, too afraid to trust so soon. We might distract ourselves with social media, shopping, or other friendships, hoping that when we check in on the friendship in question, the pain might be gone and all will be well.
In his kindness, God has offered us himself as the first option when we’re hurt by those we love. Friendship often feels like the embodied presence of God—when friendship is taken away, it feels like God has been taken away, too. Detailing his own day when his soul refused comfort, Asaph shared how he cried aloud to God because he would hear him.2 However, it felt like even God had turned his back on him. He felt utterly alone. But the turning point is when the psalmist declared, “I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High” (Ps. 77:10). He declared the truth to himself that the Lord was present and faithful to his people.3 We must also speak this truth to ourselves when it feels like we’re alone.
God is with us when we’re hurting—and he’s not silent. He reminds us,
“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.”
James 1:5
God promises his wisdom to those who ask him for it. We don’t have to walk forward guided by our sadness, anger, or limited experience—God leads us forward with his wisdom. What a gift that we don’t walk alone.
Hearts Ruled by Love
I still remember confronting a friend who I’d thought wronged me, convinced that it would end our friendship. Yet when I shared my hurt, she surprised me. Immediately, she apologized and declared that our friendship was greater than her pride. That early morning, I received a lesson in humility, a display of what Christ meant when he said that love looked like laying down one’s life for his friends.4
When our pride is wounded, we desire revenge. When we’re hurt, we want others to pay for the pain they’ve caused us. We’ll hold what we think we deserve in gripped fists at all costs. God calls us to something different, doesn’t he? In Peter’s warning that the end was near, he exhorted his readers, “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Pet. 4:8). What happens when we see hurt through a lens of sincere love and care for a fellow believer? We want not just what’s best for us but what’s best for them, too. We’re more ready to acknowledge how we’ve wronged others as we’re honest about our own hurt.
Staring at our own hurt is like staring into the sun—it blinds us to the person in front of us and the Lord over all of us. It conceals the bigger picture, making ourselves ultimate. May our hearts be ruled by love.
Hearts Ruled by Forgiveness
In his letter to the Colossians, Paul encourages his hearers to “[bear] with one other” (Col. 3:13a). He knew his audience well: he wrote to sinners in friendship with fellow sinners. Through his Holy Spirit, God had brought together the people of Colossae from different backgrounds, politics, perspectives, likes, dislikes, and personalities. Paul knew it wasn’t a matter of if they hurt each other, but when. As commentator Matthew Henry reminded us, we all have something that needs to be “borne”—or endured—with.5 Isn’t it a mercy that we can name what is true about ourselves, that we are sinners still needing restoration?
This is why Paul continued, “If one has a complaint against another, [forgive] each other; as the Lord has forgiven you” (Col. 3:13b). When we’re sinned against, the sin feels so big, doesn’t it? A friend speaks an unkind word, but as you think on it longer, it becomes unforgivable. We hold their sin over their heads until it defines them in our eyes—their sin against us is all we can see.
Praise God that he doesn’t treat us the way we want to treat others. In Colossians, Paul reminds us that the Lord has forgiven us from our sins—even the most grievous ones. We’re no longer defined by our sin but by God’s free grace. God doesn’t look at us through the lens of our shortcomings but through the lens of his Son. We can and must forgive as the Lord has forgiven us (Col. 3:13b).
I’m sorry that even godly friendships hurt sometimes—I feel it, too. As we navigate friendships, I pray that our hearts are ruled by God’s wisdom, by his love, and by his forgiveness.
Further reading: Colossians 3:12–17
Final Thought
Our forgiveness of others rests on our forgiveness through Christ. Set a timer for 15 minutes. Meditate on the cost of Christ’s forgiveness and what that forgiveness means for your relationship with God and others today.
- How do you usually respond when hurt by a friend?
- Do you find it easy or challenging to seek the Lord first when you’ve been wronged?
- What do you think it looks like to seek God’s wisdom when you’re unsure how to react?
- Is there someone in your life whose heart is “ruled by love?” What does that look like?
- Think about the last time you said “I’m sorry” to a friend. How did they respond?
- Think about the last time you forgave a friend. How did you help restore that relationship?
- Saying the words “I’m sorry” is hard. Is there anyone you need to say these words to today?
- Saying “I forgive you” is challenging, too. Is there anyone who needs your forgiveness today?
Footnotes:
1 John 17:11.
2 Psalm 77:1-2.
3 Psalm 77:11-20.
4 John 15:13.
5 Matthew Henry. Matthew Henry’s Commentary, Zondervan: Grand Rapids, MI, 1960.
Photo credit: Emilee Carpenter
Ashley Anthony is a pastor’s wife, mom of four, literature instructor, and seminary student. She’s a member of College Church in Wheaton, Illinois, loves a good cup of coffee, and loves connecting on Instagram!
