When Marriage Isn’t What You Thought It Would Be

What comes to your mind when you think of the days preceding your wedding? Did you dream of the perfectly sunny day with every detail working out just as you planned and everyone in attendance having the “best day ever”? And what about thoughts of your ensuing marriage? Did you envision comfortable camaraderie, endless adventures, and amorous connection? Of course you did, in some form or fashion. We all do. We can’t help but hope for the best and default to some unconscious idea of perfection. 

Why is this? Even those who know better—who have been hurt before, whose best-laid plans have dissolved into pieces—still long for ideal relationships. It’s actually a bit maddening that hope keeps rising for those who are actively trying to stifle it. This is God’s doing. Ecclesiastes 3:11 says he has “set eternity in the human heart” (NIV). This is why we cannot keep ourselves from imagining the best, most beautiful, and perfect. It’s because God’s vision of perfection lives in the deepest part of us! From the heart, the place that drives us (Proverbs 4:23), there is a picture of life without struggle, relationship with perfect love, no strife, no hurt, complete acceptance, and total peace. Eternity, God’s ultimate perfection, lives deep within us. 

No wonder we hope for relationships to be better than they are, with no brokenness! But it doesn’t take long after we are married until another scriptural truth clashes with the eternity in our hearts. It is Romans 3:23, that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (ESV). Every single person falls short of the perfection that we long for from our eternity-sensing hearts. Everyone is broken on this side of heaven—even the one you love, chose, and married. 

It’s just so hard to really imagine how this works out in everyday life prior to getting married, this eternity-longing-but-everyone-broken experience. Whether we made a written or unwritten list of things we wanted in a spouse, it’s highly unlikely we made a similar list of “acceptable weaknesses.” The reality is we don’t really account for brokenness. We know it conceptually, but when it inevitably shows up in our actual day-after-day experience, it’s often more difficult than we imagined. It would have been wise to evaluate the ways in which a future spouse might fall short of the glory of God ahead of time, like, “I can tolerate someone being messy, but not someone who is financially irresponsible,” or “I can live with a moody spouse, but not one who lies.” Nevertheless, we likely did not do that, and now here we sit, wondering why marital life is not what we envisioned.

While we learn to adjust our challenged visions, we can do what Jesus tells us in John 16:33. Incidentally, this verse also reaffirms the “everyone is less than perfect” message. He said, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (NIV). In the face of difficulty, he encourages us to “take heart!” This is something we can apply to the disconcerting adjustments of marriage.

First, let’s drill down on Jesus’s words here. He straight up equated “world = trouble,” so let’s be sure we are not unconsciously exempting marriage from this “world = trouble” reality. Our marriages will be filled with the challenge of two sinful beings trying to live outside inherent selfishness. We still live in the world, and so we will have trouble in some way regularly. Encountering your spouse’s brokenness is not necessarily a cause for alarm or heartbreak. God warns us consistently in Scripture not to put our hopes in this world (Psalm 33:20–22). While we certainly need to grieve that our marriages are not the ideal our souls long for, we do not need to swing into some dire black or white assessment of our marriage. 

With that proper godly perspective, let’s “take heart.” To “take heart” implies that we live from within; we are buoyed from a place that is more “inside out” than “outside in.” It is to grab hold of that eternity in our hearts and be enlivened and encouraged by it. Jesus tells us we can “take heart” because he has overcome the world. In other words, when we live in close relationship with him, we can have peace despite difficult circumstances, joy in the face of suffering, and perseverance when challenges are ongoing. To live from within, to take heart, is to trust in him for our peace—not in our spouse, not in our circumstances, and not in earthly pursuits (John 14:27). When we “take heart,” we live by the eternal truth of the Spirit of God, what God’s bigger plan and purposes are, and how all will be righted and perfected in eternity (Isaiah 55:8–9; Matthew 4:4; Revelation 21:1–5). The truth of God is meant to be what fuels and propels us when we are disappointed by others, including our spouses. (Notice that said “when,” not “if.”) 

If you haven’t sensed it, what we are talking about includes adjusting our expectations. We expected our marriages to be one way; they are not. We expected our spouses to be certain ways and do certain things; they are not. We expected a marriage made before God in true union with him to not be so hard or heavy; it is. Clearly, there is much progress that can be made simply by identifying and adjusting our expectations. As a counselor, I can legitimately testify to numerous marriages being completely changed by working through expectations.

We are not talking about the agreed-upon roles and responsibilities. We are not talking about conventional, customary, and normative living. Instead, the expectations we are talking about are the unconscious and undiscussed assumptions we bring to marriage about what the other person should be. There is significant room for healthy, life-giving adjustment here. For instance, if you have the expectation that your spouse will get along with all of your family or want to have the same holiday traditions that you do, you can see how that might be problematic. Maybe you have had the expectation that sexual intimacy would have the same level of priority for you both, that your spending would look like your parents’ did, or that you would sit down for dinner at the table together every night. You likely assumed you would pray together, want to watch the same shows, and sleep in the same bed with similar bedtimes. Even in this small list, can you see how large a part expectations can play in your marital disappointments? 

Think of the example of birthday celebrations. If you grew up with the expectation that birthdays should come with big plans and a lot of meaningful gifts, imagine how upset you might be if your spouse doesn’t share the same vision. When he or she wakes up on your birthday and says, “What would you like to do today?” and hands you a card, you can see how hurt could ensue. But when you release the expectation, you allow yourself the opportunity to be blessed by any thoughtfulness or gift at all rather than disappointed by your anticipated picture not being met. In this way, expectation is like the law in the Bible. If you have certain birthday expectations, then your loved one is in a “debt” type position until they fulfill it. When they do, it is simply like, “Check. They did what they were supposed to do.” They have met their obligation, so there wouldn’t be much gratitude or appreciation. But if you have no birthday expectation, imagine your experience when you are given a gift or day off or celebration. You would be touched by thoughtfulness, excited for any gift or attention that loved ones chose to give you. Expectations put others in a debt position, so aiming for a zero-expectation relationship not only sets your spouse up for success, it also releases them in the same way that the love and grace of Christ has given you ultimate freedom.

When we comb through our own expectations in wisdom and maturity, God will be right there, assuring you of his unwavering love, his ultimate faithfulness, and his strength to sustain you in the grievous places of your marital hopes and dreams. As we do that and commit to releasing our spouses from the many unconscious “shoulds” we realize we have for them, there will still be some hoped-for wants and needs left. Those need to be lovingly communicated, so that your spouse isn’t failing some test he or she didn’t know they were under. 

Hopefully this discussion will spur on some good internal processing between you and the Lord. Many spouses have also found this discussion helpful to have when they are not in active conflict or disappointment. Whatever the case, this kind of willingness to “take heart” and look at things through a lens of God’s good help and provision for us reminds me of one last perspective I’ve found inordinately helpful in equipping people to live in God’s wisdom. It is this: Focus on what is, not what is not.

Perhaps your spouse attends church with you, supports your attendance at a Bible study, and listens when you share a podcast. However, this spouse does not pray out loud, attend a study on their own, or seem to read the Bible independently. What are you going to focus on? It’s easy to see how fixating on what the spouse is not doing could bring sadness, disappointment or even anger. But many people would be absolutely thrilled with a church-going, supportive-of-your-pursuit-of-God spouse. Perhaps your husband or wife is a very affectionate person, willing to give back rubs and hugs freely and often. But that same spouse is not great at managing money, often overspending or forgetting financial commitments. Focusing on one aspect of the spouse could be enriching and love-inducing, while focusing on what he or she is not good at could be infuriating and rift-causing. 

Again, because all have fallen short of the glory of God, your spouse will have areas of weakness, selfishness, and poor behavior. (Don’t forget the same holds true of you as a partner.) We are wise when we obey God to be “thankful in all circumstances” (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NLT) and focus our perspective on the wonderful blessing and gift from God our spouse is rather than focus in frustration on all the ways they disappoint and fall short of our expectations. 

Perhaps this summative list of what you can do when your marriage isn’t what you thought it would be can meet you where you are in some way today:

1. Don’t misinterpret your normal marital challenges and disappointments as “` 

2. Grieve how some things in your marriage are not what you hoped.

3. “Take heart” and live from the truth of God and the Spirit of Christ within rather than allowing ourselves to be blown and tossed about by the ups and downs of life, including the ups and downs of marriage

4. Assess unconscious expectations you have.

5. Release your spouse from as many unspoken expectations as you can. Communicate the ones that remain.

6. Focus on the God-given gift that your spouse is, including the particular aspects of their personality and relationship that are positive, good, and a blessing. Do this instead of ruminating on the ways in which they continually fall short, have disappointed you, or are simply not what you wish.

Praying you are encouraged as you “take heart” for your marriage!

Dr. Tammy Smith, PhD

Dr. Tammy Smith is a licensed counselor, mother to 2 married sons, author of 8 books, competitive tennis player, pastor’s wife, and sought-after conference speaker. Her greatest joy is Jesus and getting to share His Truth, but she also loves to laugh, sing, hug, smile, and squeeze the best out of every moment possible. See if she’s coming your way or grab a Truth-filled resource at drtammysmith.com.

• Dr. Tammy Smith, PhD

  https://hosannarevival.blog/author/dr-tammy-smith-phd/

  When You’re Paralyzed by Anxiety