During my twenties, I spent over half a decade in Asia working with an organization that teaches English to students. The organization received new teacher applicants each year, and every August I was consistently assigned two to six new friends after they were hired. At this time, a new group of people I did not pick would show up on the campus in Asia that I called home; they suddenly became my coworkers, neighbors, small group members, travel buddies and the people with whom I celebrated all holidays and birthdays. While it felt abrupt to quickly go from, “Hi, where are you from?” to “How do you prefer to spend your Christmas?” there was beauty in learning how to love and include people who differ in both personality and beliefs. Now, I want to be honest when I say this process was often difficult and painful. However, I learned about the fullness of life and loving others through these arranged friendships, and through being stretched to love and be loved by people not like me.
I believe there is a parallel to my friendship experience within the Gospels. If you think about it, when Jesus called his 12 main disciples, he organized a group of people who had very few reasons to befriend each other outside of their desire to follow him. Jesus picked people who, if given a chance, would not have wanted to spend three-plus years living, working, and growing together. As you read through the Gospels, we can pick up hints that all was not warm and cozy among the 12. But I imagine Jesus was intentional about inviting a diverse group of people to follow and learn from him, because he knew that is what the body of believers needed back then, and still needs today.
Conflict Story
As with any diverse group of friends, there is evidence of interpersonal conflicts among the 12 disciples. For instance, James and John approached Jesus privately to ask if they could become his co-rulers once he took over Jerusalem (see Mark 10:35-45). The other disciples got angry (10:41) when they heard about this, most likely because James and John beat them to it and they wanted those roles for themselves! I can imagine the frustration and division this conversation caused within the group. Jesus, very familiar with this group of 12 whom he chose, reminded them that:
“Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
Mark 10:43-45
The disciples all wanted power one way or another. They likely became disciples in the first place for that reason, not because they wanted new friends! But Jesus willingly takes them in while knowing this information and continues to nudge them toward loving and serving each other. Though their friendships were arranged, Jesus calls them to a better way of living with each other and dealing with their differences for the sake of growth and ministry.
How Did Jesus Instruct His Disciples?
In Luke’s Gospel, after Jesus calls his disciples, he launches into his best-known sermon. Jesus reminds his listeners that as his followers, we are commanded to love those around us who are difficult to love.
“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”
Luke 6:32-36
As you read this passage, a few things might jump out to you. In particular, the strong language about enemies and the wicked might feel especially difficult. It seems like hyperbole to describe that annoying co-worker or difficult small group member as an enemy or wicked. Actually, we should be grateful that most of us do not have the type of enemies who put our lives in peril. In my experiences with arranged friendships or even interactions with difficult people, it is easy to treat people as enemies and avoid loving them because they are complex.
Usually, in life, we can just go out of our way to avoid people who make us uncomfortable or clash with our personalities. However, being forced year after year to live closely with people who I would not always pick to be friends with showed me how to love and receive love from people in a way that helped me understand God’s love in a new way.
Application
During my time living in arranged friendships, I learned some simple ways to love my friends. And sometimes I learned these lessons because I was the difficult friend and teammate.
- Pray for difficult people. It is hard to have a cold and negative attitude toward people when you are genuinely praying for them and concerned for their well-being.
- Look for simple acts of kindness that make others feel seen and known. I think this is one way we can apply Jesus’s teaching, “But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back” (Luke 6:35). Simple acts of kindness can show your difficult friend or colleague that you care and are willing to push past frustration and differences to love them wholeheartedly.
- Ask questions. This connects to trying to make those around you feel seen and known. Asking genuine questions and then following up truly conveys care and dedication to someone’s life. It might also help you understand why a person acts the way they do!
In Ephesians 3:16-19, Paul shares a beautiful prayer:
“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.”
NLT
It is humbling to feel like a person who is sometimes difficult to love, but then, when another person pushes through their personal preferences to love you anyway, it demonstrates the depth of God’s love in a new way. When you are on either side of this relationship—the difficult to love or loving a difficult person—know that this effort truly does help us understand the all-encompassing love of Christ, which then allows you to experience the fullness and richness of a life centered on loving others as yourself.
Photo Credit: Sarah Brossart
Carrie is an ESL teacher who works with students and teachers from all over the world from her home in Cincinnati, OH. Carrie loves meeting new people, learning languages and making people laugh, preferably at the same time. Her hobbies include reading, drinking fun coffee, ballet, rock climbing and cooking, preferably not all at the same time.
