If only I had known it was coming.
This phrase kept coming to mind for weeks after we learned our second son Shepherd was born deaf. His diagnosis completely caught us off guard, and as with any sort of life-changing news you receive, it was a lot to take in—especially when you add in the swirl of postpartum hormones, an energetic big brother, and lack of sleep.
I’m a cautious over-preparer who hates being caught off guard. I’ve told my husband multiple times he’s not allowed to throw me a surprise party unless I get to plan it. As someone who leans on control as a means of security, the lack of control I felt with Shepherd’s diagnosis was overwhelming.
As I grappled with anxiety over his hearing loss, I got caught in the cycle of “if only I had known.” Then it wouldn’t have hurt to learn that my baby was going to have to overcome a lot of challenges moving forward. Then it wouldn’t have caused so much extra stress and worry, on top of an already stressful and worrisome stage of life. Then I wouldn’t have had to go back on my anxiety medicine or lost so much sleep.
I yearned to know all the hard things my children would face in life. I wanted to know what the future held so I could be ready for it. I started to believe the lie that I could only be at peace if I could be prepared for what was coming next.
But the story of Moses and the burning bush showed me otherwise.
In Exodus 3, God paints Moses a pretty clear picture of what was coming.
First, God appears directly to Moses in the form of a burning bush. He tells Moses exactly who he is—“the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob” (Exodus 3:6, CSB). God acknowledges that he sees the plight of his people enslaved in Egypt, and he promises to set them free. He is clear he wants Moses to lead them to the Promised Land despite Pharaoh’s resistance, and he reassures Moses he will be with him through it all. He even shows Moses a glimpse of the outcome. Exodus 3:12 says “…when you bring the people out of Egypt, you will all worship God at this mountain.” Not if, but when.
As I read these verses, I realized that was what I wanted—a detailed account of what God was asking of me and how he would help me through it. The challenges, the twists and turns, the miracles. Surely if I knew what was coming, I wouldn’t be afraid.
But Moses, after receiving this detailed and direct account from God, responds with five words that shook me to my core:
“Moses said, ‘Please Lord, send someone else,’” (Exodus 4:13, CSB).
God revealed the future to Moses. And Moses begged him to send someone else.
What if God doesn’t always reveal the future to us because he knows it would only make us more anxious?
I wondered how I might have responded if God had told me several years back we’d have a child with additional needs. Would I have been grateful for that glimpse? Or, would I too have begged him to send someone else?
One thing I know is I wouldn’t trade my son for anything, and I wouldn’t change a thing about him. Being deaf is a part of Shepherd’s story, and I’m so grateful that as his mother I have a front-row seat to that story. But if I’d seen the challenges we’d face in just the first few months of his life––from navigating insurance claims and long appointments to simply trying to keep hearing aids on a wiggly baby––it undoubtedly would’ve made me more anxious. Maybe I would’ve been more “prepared,” but at the cost of my peace.
And yet, looking back, I can name specific situations that prepared me to be Shepherd’s mother. All along, God was at work. What a loving God he is––that he would protect us from knowing too much about the future while also preparing us for it.
Furthermore, while we might not get the luxury of a burning bush telling us what’s coming next, we do know some things about the future.
Jeremiah 29:11 tells us God has plans to give us a hope and a future.
2 Corinthians 4:17 promises our momentary troubles are achieving a glory to outlast them all.
Matthew 28:20 assures us that God will be with us always, even to the end of time.
Romans 8:28 reminds us that God works all things for good.
And, perhaps the greatest glimpse of the future we have? Revelation 21 promises that one day we’ll be united with God and that death, grief, pain, and tears will be no more. God can be trusted with our future because he is our future.
Two days after we learned Shepherd was deaf, a neighbor brought us dinner. As we hugged, she whispered, “God isn’t surprised by this.” I may hate surprises, but that’s okay. Because there is Someone who not only knows what the future holds for us but promises to be with us, come what may. And he’s never surprised.
Application:
- Think about the last time you were caught off guard by your circumstances. How did you react? How do you want to react moving forward when things don’t go as planned?
Find a verse about how God can be trusted with the future (maybe one from above). Write it down on a notecard and hang it somewhere you’ll see it frequently. Whenever you feel anxious about the future, speak this verse out loud and remind yourself that God knows what’s coming and he can be trusted.
Photo Credit: Emilee Carpenter
Hannah Jessen Conway intentionally pursues themes of faith, motherhood, and mental health in her writing. She works in nonprofit marketing and is publishing her first children’s book in the fall of 2024, inspired by the birth of her deaf son. She’s a Jesus follower, wife to her college sweetheart, and mama of two boys. You can usually find her cheering on the Tar Heels, enjoying the North Carolina sunshine, or writing in a local coffee shop. Read more of her work at hjconway.com.
