When my father’s substance abuse could no longer be hidden, denied, or explained away, his public fall––unavoidable as a pastor in a small town––wasn’t even the most painful part of it all. It was the sorrow that happened behind closed doors in the hearts of my immediate family and within my own soul.
Shattered, broken, and questioning God’s love, goodness, and faithfulness, I sought Christian counseling. Nestled between two pillows, I slumped on the leather couch within the cozy surroundings of my counselor’s office when she prompted me to admit my struggle with seeing God as a faithful Father.
I sat in my car in the counseling center parking lot after our session, bent over the steering wheel as tears formed puddles on my lap. Before turning on my car’s ignition, I sputtered a prayer that I hoped God in heaven would hear: “Lord, I don’t understand what’s happening with Daddy. And I don’t understand you.” That’s when the Spirit whispered to my heart, “It’s time to let me be your Father.”
Hesitantly, I agreed to join the Lord on a journey of knowing, accepting, and relying on him as my Father. And although I had read the Bible cover-to-cover several times––and Scriptures rolled easily off my tongue––I knew I had to approach the biblical narrative afresh.
As I studied the Scriptures, my heart and soul began to be renewed as I beheld God’s faithfulness from the first sentence: “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth” (Genesis 1:1 ESV). A question immediately bubbled up in my mind: If God is the creator of all things, then won’t he be faithful in and through all things?
In the book of Exodus, I beheld God’s steadfast presence in the lives of the Israelites––those he called his children (Exodus 19:5)––when he delivered them from the bondage of Egypt, rescued them from Pharoah’s pursuit, and saved them from drowning in the Red Sea (Exodus 14:27–28). In their journey with God, I found fresh flutters of hope. For surely, the same God who rescued his people in Exodus could rescue me from the enemy of my soul who desired to steal my faith, hope, joy, and peace. And perhaps God wanted to do it right in the middle of the pain my heart endured.
As I read through the Bible, I witnessed the Lord’s continual lovingkindness in the book of Numbers. While the Israelites endured the difficult journey to the promised land, God proved himself a good provider by meeting their needs and sustaining them through the treacherous wilderness. Even though his children continued bickering, complaining, and doubting (see Numbers 11), he was a faithful Father who provided for them––and he promises to provide for me in life’s deserts too (Philippians 4:19).
Reading the book of Joshua, I found God’s faithfulness abundantly evident. As Moses’s leadership ended, Joshua took up the mantle for the last leg of the journey into the promised land. I imagine Joshua was apprehensive to step into his new role, but God reminded him he would not lead alone. The Lord declared to Joshua: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9 ESV). Ultimately, Joshua led the Israelites to victory. The Lord displayed his faithfulness to fulfill his promises by pouring courage into Joshua, staying close beside him, and using power from on high to conquer the enemy.
It was here that I sensed the Spirit whispering the same promise to be with me amid the fear and pain that wrecked my soul. No matter how difficult the journey through my father’s substance abuse proved to be, he was offering me courage to continue the journey. The Lord’s strength, power, and presence would sustain me until the very end.
My journey through the Bible didn’t end there. In every book, I beheld the Lord’s goodness. Through the lives of King David, Elisha, Zerubbabel, the bleeding woman, the disciples, and Christ Jesus himself, I came to know God in a richer, deeper way as I read and studied the Scriptures.
My faith, hope, joy, and peace were renewed as I anchored my soul in the promises of God. While I traced his hand in the lives of biblical saints, I also applied the truth to my own life. I was reminded that though trouble will surely come to all of us, we don’t go through suffering alone (John 16:33).
When you wonder if God is faithful and good, consider this your invitation to open the Word with a wide-open heart, fresh eyes, and a surrendered spirit. Follow the Lord’s plan and purposes in the lives of the biblical saints, record the promises he’s given, and apply the truth to your own life.
Then even when addiction, trouble, grief, and loss plow a canyon through our hearts, we can declare like the psalmist: “For the LORD is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations” (Psalm 100:5 ESV).
Photo credit: Jenna Martin
Rosann Coulon is the author of40 Days to God, My Father: Finding Shelter in the Heart of God. She has contributed articles toThe Gospel Coalition,The Daily Grace Co.,Core Christianity, and other publications. She is the founder of Leaving a Well Ministries, whose mission is to share biblical hope with hurting hearts by providing Christ-centered resources. Rosann and her husband call North Carolina home. Visit her atLeavingAWell.comto receive free inspirational content. You can also connect with her on Instagram@Rosann_Coulon.
