When I picked up my daughter at the bus station, she barely said hello before launching into a diatribe about the damage missionaries and Christians at large have done in the world. I sighed as I fastened my seatbelt (physically and metaphorically) to prepare for the long ride home.
In the years since she abandoned God, I fasted and prayed for her return. I longed to see even a tiny movement toward faith. But when she arrived home from college for Thanksgiving break, she greeted me with distaste and contempt toward my beliefs.
When a friend’s daughter started college, met a Christian, and began to attend church, I rejoiced with her. While I shouldn’t compare, I wondered, “How long, O LORD?” (Psalm 13:1 ESV). But I knew I needed to continue to walk by faith, regardless of how things appeared (2 Corinthians 5:7).
Midway home, she digressed into barbs about Christianity serving as a crutch. Feeling hopeless, I pouted to God that I might quit praying. I imagined his mental eye roll as my manipulative warning reached his ears. Having endured my threats in previous moments of deep discouragement, he knew I wouldn’t follow through.
By the end of the drive, I had what Paul called “great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart” (Romans 9:2 ESV).
If you have a child separated from God, you likely hold some of the same concerns I have for my daughter. You want your child to experience the abundant life Christ died to give them (John 10:10). You’d rest more easily if you knew they had Christ as their firm foundation through life’s setbacks, struggles, and suffering (Ephesians 2:19–20). You long to share your faith and feel deeply concerned about their eternal destination. Many parents find themselves in this exact spot as so many young people have left the church.
Sometimes it is a challenge to remain hopeful. I often slide into self-pity and discouragement. When that happens, I know I need to refocus my eyes on Jesus and strengthen myself in the Lord (1 Samuel 30:6).
Meditate on Scripture
One way I fortify myself is by meditating on Scripture (Joshua 1:8). I find comfort in verses such as Isaiah 65:1: “I was sought by those who did not ask; I was found by those who did not seek me.” (CSB), reminding me that God can cause disinterested people to pursue him. He allows himself to be discovered by those who are not looking for him (Matthew 13:44). David encourages me to “wait for the LORD” (Psalm 27:14 CSB), while Paul reminds me that “for those who love God all things work together for good” (Romans 8:28 ESV).
Scripture reminds me of God’s provision during trials. In the Psalms, he prescribes remembrance as an antidote for depression and trouble (Psalm 42:6). This prompts me to cheer myself by recalling how God saved many unlikely people—like Paul, who hunted Christians down and had them murdered before his conversion (Acts 22:4–5), Jesus’s brothers who didn’t believe he was the Messiah until after God raised him from the dead (John 7:5; Acts 1:14), and ardent atheists like C. S. Lewis. I also remember how God patiently pursued this hopeless sinner when I embraced the world and its empty pursuits.
Reading God’s Word can instruct, encourage, and comfort us as we recall his character and his promises.
Pray
Another way I strengthen myself in the Lord is through prayer. When intercession seems futile, I remind myself of Jesus’s command to “always pray and never give up” (Luke 18:1 NLT). The enemy would like nothing better than for us to lose heart. He wants us to stop interceding for our kids because our prayers are effective (James 5:16).
We must remember that nothing is impossible for God (Matthew 19:26). He can do “far more abundantly than all that we ask or think” (Ephesians 3:20 ESV). But he wants us to ask him for what we need (James 4:2). In doing so, we acknowledge our reliance on his goodness and power.
Some of us have petitioned God for our kids’ salvation for a long time but have not received the answer we desire. Prayer is also a place to lament. The Psalms brim with examples we can use to express our feelings and find encouragement. We must remember that his delay does not necessarily mean “no.” Peter writes, “The Lord isn’t really being slow about his promise, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent” (2 Peter 3:9 NLT).
Jeremiah tells us, “Pour out your heart like water before the presence of the Lord! Lift your hands to him for the lives of your children” (Lamentations 2:19 ESV). And John reminds us that “if we ask anything according to his will he hears us” (1 John 5:14 ESV). So we need to ask and keep on asking (Matthew 7:7).
Listen
If we want to keep an open line of communication with our kids, we must “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger” (James 1:19 CSB). We need to open our ears and minds to understand their views, not listen so we can formulate a rebuttal. Until our kids believe we are interested in appreciating their perspective, they will likely disregard what we say.
When we pay attention, we learn about their objections to faith. I would much rather have them talk about Christianity, even in negative terms, than have the subject become taboo.
Consider the culture in which our adult children live—one at odds with the views we espoused in our homes. They now see Christianity from the outside—from the world’s perspective—which often means a less-than-favorable opinion of our faith. We need to acknowledge the truth, which includes our mistakes as well as the failures of the church throughout history. While Christians started hospitals, universities, and orphanages, they also participated in the Crusades, chattel slavery, and rampant sexual abuse. Even though I am not responsible for all evil done in the name of Jesus, I should empathize and condemn the horrific events done by people who called themselves Christians. I hope that someday my kids will understand that Christianity is true and that God is good despite the failure of his followers (1 Chronicles 16:34; Ezra 3:11; Psalm 25:8).
All that said, I need wisdom for faith conversations.
I need God’s help to recognize when my daughter only desires to test or debate—times when sharing my faith equates to throwing “pearls before pigs” (Matthew 7:6 CSB). In these situations, wisdom might mean keeping my mouth shut even though I have something to say.
Sometimes her questions distract (intentionally or inadvertently) from the basic gospel truths, like we are all sinners in need of a savior (Romans 3:23). The enemy wants me to get sucked into defending an esoteric point, sidetracked from the main thing.
On the other hand, our adult children’s doubts and complaints can conceal valid objections that need answers. Often, they cannot or will not articulate them directly. It frequently requires a discussion during which we listen intently and probe thoughtfully to sort out their real concerns.
I used to think I needed all the answers—as if my responsibilities included resident Bible scholar, historian, and defense attorney for Jesus. While most of us won’t have all the right responses in real time, we should always be “prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect” (1 Peter 3:15 ESV).
Keep Loving Them
A friend’s son once said, “Mom, you won’t love me until I love Jesus.” Ouch! I never want my daughter to think that my love for her depends upon her acceptance of Christ. Even when I disagree with her opinions or choices, I love her unconditionally and want her to know it. Our kids’ salvation cannot become an idol upon which we rest our hope.
I used to beat myself up as the sole reason she walked away from the faith, thinking if I had done a better job demonstrating Christ’s love, perhaps she would have stayed. But salvation comes from God—not perfect parenting. We need to give ourselves grace for past mistakes while taking responsibility for our less-than-perfect actions.
Application
- We all have areas where we failed to represent Christ well. Can you think of any areas where you need to ask your adult child for forgiveness? Our humility and vulnerability can open the door to meaningful conversations.
- Can you think of tangible ways to improve your relationship with your adult child by spending time together and enjoying each other’s company? For example, take a cooking class together, read the same book and discuss it, play a round of golf, or pursue a joint interest.
- Are there creative ways to plant seeds (realizing that sometimes prayer alone is best)?
- Pray God’s Word back to him for your kids. Here are a few ideas: Acts 26:18; Ephesians 1:17-19, Colossians 1:9-14.
- Don’t get discouraged despite what you see. Ask God to help you to remain hopeful.
A Ray of Hope
One evening over Thanksgiving break, exhausted from cooking and cleaning, I went to bed early, leaving my husband and daughter talking politics. The next morning, my husband said that after their political discussion, he and my daughter had an optimistic conversation about God. Wait. What!? After the rant on the ride home from the bus station?
God blessed me with a glimpse into his unseen work. I don’t know if she will come to faith soon or even in my lifetime, but I thanked him for the encouragement I needed to keep going.
I pray we will all remain steadfast in hope and persistent in prayer and that our heavenly Father who wants all to be saved will answer us in his timing (1 Timothy 2:4). If we ask for a fish, will he give us a snake (Luke 11:11)?
Photo credit: Jenna Martin
Karen discovered her love of writing while a student at Dallas Theological Seminary. Her passions include biblical literacy and apologetics, especially for believers. When she’s not writing, she loves spending time with her family, traveling, and geeking out on the Bible. Her work has been published inFathom Mag,Heart of Flesh Literary Journal,Just Between Us,SOULfood Saturday, and other places. You can follow her on Instagram @karen.abeyta.7.
