A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”
Mark 4:37-38 NIV
Finding out you are pregnant after loss, no matter your experience, is anxiety-inducing. It often feels as though you are battling a storm that has seemingly appeared out of nowhere. One moment, you are excitedly deciding to start trying for a baby with your husband, and the next, you are looking at your third set of two pink lines while your brain floods with every fearful “what if” in the book.
Pregnancy after loss can feel as treacherous and uneasy as the sea that rocked the disciples’ boat. It is easy to allow ourselves to be swept up by the squall that has engulfed us rather than set our eyes upon the one who can pull us from the waves. If you are anything like me, you’ve found yourself (on more than one occasion) sitting on the bathroom floor crying out, “Teacher, don’t you care if I drown?”
In moments like these, God appears to be silent—just as Jesus was on the boat. The disciples were experiencing devastating winds and waves while their master slept peacefully upon a pillow. In times of devastating grief and fear, it is easy to feel distant from God. We wonder where he is and why the God of miracles has not sent ours yet. Matthew 8:25 recalls the disciples giving into the fear and panic of the storm they faced. They awoke Jesus crying out, “Lord, save us! We are going to drown!” (NIV). And, as I sat on my bathroom floor, I cried out to God with the same plea, “Lord, I feel like I am drowning!” The tears were large and hot on my cheeks, the floor uncomfortably cold, yet I refused to move from where I sat as I let every emotion from the past six weeks of my third pregnancy wash over my broken soul.
When the tears finally began to slow, and my breath returned, I found a voice in my head reminding me, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid” (Matthew 8:26 NIV)?
I feared every cramp was the beginning of another miscarriage.
I feared my next appointment would show a silent heartbeat.
I feared my third trip to the emergency room in 8 months.
I feared another D&C to stop an infection post-loss.
I feared losing another baby.
“God, don’t you see why I am afraid? Don’t you see why I am struggling?”
He sees you, mama. The way you hold your face in your hands when you turn over another positive pregnancy test. The way you gasp in surprise and are overwhelmed with feelings of excitement and fear. The way you tremble as you show your husband the test and collapse into his strong embrace.
He sees you, mama. The way your heart drops at the sight of blood or the twinge of a cramp. The way you anxiously contact your doctor about each new symptom. The way you grip the arm rest at your first blood draw. The way you hold your breath as you await an image on the screen of your first ultrasound.
He sees you, mama. The way you face pregnancy after loss.
The voice in my head repeated, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid” (Matthew 8:26 NIV)? In that moment, I realized I was afraid because I had wandered from the comforting arms of my Savior. Matthew 8:26 continues, saying, “Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm” (NIV). The same calm rolled over my body and soul the way a wave slowly graces the early morning shore. I shifted, knelt, and prayed for forgiveness. I had allowed the weight of the world to shift my focus from the one who offers peace in times of great sorrow. I had allowed anxiety, depression, and fear to distract me from the precious moments of this new pregnancy. And, mama, if you’re reading this, my guess is that you have done the very same.
Let’s return to him together and give this pregnancy to him for care and safekeeping. Jesus calmed the storm with only a few words. He can calm your soul and remind you of the blessing you are carrying just as easily. Despite the deafening roar of the waves that surround you today, I urge you to seek comfort in knowing who calms your storms. He sees you, he loves you, and he is prepared to carry you through any storm that comes your way.
A verse to meditate on:
I prayed to the LORD, and he answered me.
Psalm 34:4-7 NLT
He freed me from all my fears.
Those who looks to him for help will be radiant with joy;
no shadow of shame will darken their faces.
In my desperation I prayed, and the LORD listened;
he saved me from all my troubles.
For the angel of the LORD is a guard;
he surrounds and defends all who fear him.
Worship to meditate on:
The Lord bless you
And keep you
Make His face shine upon you
And be gracious to you
The Lord turn His
Face toward you
And give you peace
Amen, amen, amen
Amen, amen, amen
The Lord bless you
And keep you
Make His face shine upon you
And be gracious to you
The Lord turn His
Face toward you
And give you peace
Amen, amen, amen (we sing, we sing)
Amen, amen, amen
May His favor be upon you
And a thousand generations
And your family and your children
And their children, and their children
May His favor be upon you
And a thousand generations
And your family and your children
And their children, and their children
May His presence go before you
And behind you, and beside you
All around you, and within you
He is with you, He is with you
In the morning, in the evening
In your coming, and your going
In your weeping, and rejoicing
He is for you, He is for you
He is for you, He is for you
He is for you, He is for you
He is for you, He is for you (I know, I know)
Amen, amen, amen
Amen, amen, amen
May His presence go before you
And behind you, and beside you
All around you, and within you
He is with you, He is with you
In the morning, in the evening
In your coming, and your going
In your weeping, and rejoicing
He is for you
The Blessing (Live)
Cody Carnes, Elevation Worship, and Kari Jobe
Photo credit: Michael Marcagi
Morgan Johnston spends her days as a photographer and her evenings as an involved dog mom, yet her favorite roles are being a daughter, wife, and mother-to-be. You can often find her curled up on the couch with a good book and fuzzy blanket, spending time outside with her two dogs, or taking a stroll around the family ranch (she may or may not be guilty of providing all animals with daily treats). A newly established student of the Bible, she loves spending time in the Word and developing her relationship with Jesus through prayer and worship.
