I could hear the thunder of little feet from the ceiling above me, my husband laughing as he chased our boys around. Meanwhile, I sat on the kitchen floor crying while rice began to boil over on the stove.
In the weeks (months, really) leading up to this, I had been struggling with contentment. I was feeling burned out on life, work, motherhood, and the grind of it all. I didn’t feel joyful, alive, or excited to wake up in the morning. I approached each day as something to get through, not something to cherish.
Motherhood has a way of bringing you to the end of yourself, only to push you even further. But this time, it was more than physical tiredness from chasing toddlers around all day. No, this level of tiredness was an emotional, spiritual tiredness.
It wasn’t a coincidence that this season of discontentment coincided with a spiritually dry one. It feels terrible to say, but I was bored with God. Reading the Bible felt as exciting as reading a grocery list. Worship was robotic. Even in writing—which usually makes me feel connected to God—I started to feel like Christian ChatGPT, spitting out the right words but without any real heart behind them. I was discontent with my life because I was disconnected from the Source of life.
As I drove down the highway one day, taking my son to his weekly speech therapy appointment, a line from a Maverick City song grabbed my attention: “The joy of my salvation is coming back to me.”
At that moment, I said out loud, “God, I have lost the joy of my salvation.”
I had lost sight of the gift of salvation, the incredible sacrifice of the cross, and the immeasurable love the Father has for me. My faith felt hollow and empty, and as a result, so did I.
Many things can cause us to lose the joy of our salvation, but in this particular season, I knew it stemmed from a lack of practicing spiritual disciplines that helped me feel connected to God. Spiritual disciplines might sound like a lofty concept, but really, they’re just the habits we build to deepen our relationship with God. I turned to Psalm 51, where we see David pray the same prayer I whispered that day on the highway: “Restore the joy of your salvation to me” (Psalm 51:12 CSB). And I noticed a few spiritual habits that aren’t immediately obvious upon reading this chapter—but that I believe can help us find the joy of our salvation again.
- Repentance. “Create a clean heart for me” (v. 10a CSB).
We often remember David as a wonderful king, a talented psalmist, and a man after God’s heart. But in 2 Samuel 11, we see a different man. Not only did David have an affair with a married woman named Bathsheba, which resulted in pregnancy, but he also ordered her husband to the frontlines of a battle where he would be killed. David wrote Psalm 51 in the aftermath of this horrendous sin as a prayer of repentance.
The concepts of repentance and confession can sound legalistic at times, maybe even a bit outdated. But repentance isn’t about holding an honest tell-all each night––the reality is that God already knows where we’ve fallen short. Rather, I think repentance is the habit of regularly acknowledging our need for God, honestly admitting where we’re struggling, and asking for his help. In David’s words, it’s asking God to create in us pure hearts.
Psalm 51 demonstrates that while sin drives us from God, it can also drive us back to God. Repentance helps us realize how much we need a Savior and remember what a gift salvation is.
As I began practicing honest repentance with God, telling him my darkest thoughts and deepest fears, I felt more connected to him. Repentance restores our joy because God’s grace sets us free from guilt and shame. It’s hard to be joyful when you’re weighed down by the burden of unspoken sins.
Psalm 32:1 says, “How joyful is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered!” (CSB).
Repentance is a discipline we will never outgrow because sin will always be there. But so will a forgiving God.
- Renewal. “And renew a right spirit within me” (v. 10b ESV).
Immediately after David asks for a pure heart, he asks God to renew a right spirit within him. During this season of discontentment in my life, that became my prayer as well. I had fallen into the trap of comparing my life to other people and even to other versions of myself, remembering when I had more freedom, more fun, more of an identity outside of being a mother. They say comparison is the thief of joy, and if that’s true, then discontentment must be its accomplice. Comparison told me I wasn’t enough; discontentment told me I didn’t have enough.
We can experience renewal in many different ways, but for me, it started with gratitude. In true Ann Voskamp fashion (check out One Thousand Gifts if you haven’t yet), I began writing down the little things I was grateful for each day: watching my child jump in a puddle, that first sip of coffee in the morning, watercolor sunset walks after dinner. I began to look up and choose to see the blessings around me. It sounds simple, maybe even a bit cheesy, but I believe the practice of gratitude not only reminds us of the gifts we have but also reconnects us with the One who blessed us with those gifts in the first place.
Ultimately, the renewal of our spirit comes from a reliance on the Spirit. Immediately after asking God to renew his spirit, David exclaims, “Do not banish me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me” (v. 11 CSB). When we feel like we have lost our joy, may we remember we have the Holy Spirit in our midst, helping us in our weakness, interceding for us, and drawing us back to the Father. It shouldn’t surprise us that the second fruit of the Spirit listed in Galatians 5 is, in fact, joy.
- Restoration. “Restore the joy of your salvation to me” (v. 12 CSB).
I’m writing this blog around Easter, which is timely because Easter is about salvation. My three-year-old is in the phase of asking “Why,” and reading the Easter story has been a challenge. Why did Jesus die on the cross? Why did the mean people not like Jesus? Why did they hurt Jesus?
It’s not exactly a kid-friendly story, so every time my son asks why Jesus died on the cross, I return to the same answer: “Because he loves you. He did it for you.”
It’s as simple and profound as that.
Easter shouldn’t be the only time of year we remember Jesus’s incredible sacrifice. I had lost sight of the joy of my salvation because I had lost sight of Jesus and his sacrifice for me.
It’s natural to go through seasons of not feeling as connected to God. But I realized that if I wanted to fight for my joy, I had to start at the foot of the cross. So I went back to the Easter story, time and time again, and began to specifically ask God to give me a renewed sense of wonder at Christ’s sacrifice for me and a deeper appreciation of his love toward me. I asked him boldly and directly to restore the joy of my salvation––the joy that can only come from knowing that I am saved.
Not the joy of my success.
Not the joy of my family.
Not the joy of my plans.
Not the joy of my health.
Those good gifts can add to our joy, but we can never let them become the source of our joy. There is only one Person from whom true, lasting joy comes.
Psalm 16:11 says, “[I]n your presence there is fullness of joy” (ESV).
We find and re-find our joy in God’s presence. Time with God each day, no matter how short or seemingly insignificant, adds to our joy––little by little, drop by drop, until we can’t help but overflow with it.
Repentance. Gratitude. Time in God’s presence. Spiritual disciplines require just that: discipline. They take time, patience, and effort. But it’s okay to start small, knowing we serve a God who takes our five loaves and two fish and multiplies them. He takes our honest repentance and reminds us how deeply loved we are. He takes our whispers of gratitude and uses them to reshape our day and reframe our thoughts. He takes our five minutes of prayer in the morning and invites us to fall deeper in love with the God of our salvation.
Start slow. But start somewhere. It’s all about connecting with a God who wants to not only give us joy but be our joy.
I can think of no better way to end this blog than by praying the same prayer over you that Paul prayed over the Romans:
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Romans 15:13 NIV).
Amen.
Reflection Questions
- Are there any spiritual habits you want to incorporate into your life to help restore the joy of your salvation? They could be the ones listed in this blog or something else––whatever allows you to connect with the Lord.
- Start slow. Read through Psalm 51 out loud, praying the same prayers that David wrote over your own life.
- Reflect. Have you gone through seasons (or maybe you’re in the midst of one now) when you felt like you’d lost the joy in your salvation? Write down some of the reasons you believe contributed to that.
Photo credit: Emily Hughes
Hannah Jessen Conway intentionally pursues themes of faith, motherhood, and mental health in her writing. She works in nonprofit marketing and published her first children's book in the fall of 2024 inspired by the birth of her deaf son. She’s a Jesus follower, wife to her college sweetheart, and mama of two boys. You can usually find her cheering on the Tar Heels, enjoying the North Carolina sunshine, or writing in a local coffee shop. Read more of her work at hjconway.com.
